Hard to believe it, but Pauline passed away three weeks ago tomorrow on June 21st.  I had the most awesome pleasure of being there with her as she took her last breath.  Not that I enjoyed watching her pass, but just to be there with someone you love and have that last opportunity to whisper "I love you", just one more time before they slip away into eternity is a blessing.  I missed that with my mom, and actually it was Pauline who was there in that room with me the night my dad passed away as the nurses made us leave the room when he slipped away.  We never really understood why they wouldn't just let us be there with him in that last second, but Pauline always believed we were there when he took his last breath. She might have been right.

Anyway....so now life must go forward.....and I had gained about 7 lbs. during the time she was in the hospital, and so far I have managed to shed two of them.  I have reflected a lot over the past three weeks about the things that took place with me in regard to my body during the couple of months she was in the hospital.  I realized that I had pretty much managed to drink a "real" soft drink (not diet) at least 5-6 times per week while she was in there, find snacks in the machine because I wasn't going to be home early enough to fix dinner, and okay....yes, I am going to come clean and admit this.....I stopped routinely, about 5-7 times per week to pick up an ice cream cone from McDonald's!!! THERE...I SAID IT!!!  Hey.....I was losing my sister, wasn't it okay for me to make myself feel better with ice cream???? I mean everyone knows that ice cream is the "fix all" when your down, right????  Speaking of ice cream, when our family celebrated July 4th on June 30th, I made homemade banana ice cream...yum, yum! Well, I wasn't satisfied to just have one "little" cup of it, I had to have a second "little" cup of it.......and yes.....I got profusely sick!!!  I had to go to the bathroom and throw up, and then I had to stay in the house and lay down for about 45 minutes until I finally started feeling better and could go back out and enjoy the party.......now look at the time I wasted spending with my family for what???? THE LOVE OF ICE CREAM!!!!  Would I do it again? Well, when we went to Tina's on the 4th, and she made chocolate and banana ice cream, Charlie informed me that I would NOT be having ice cream again.  So, I did kind of sneak a little bit of the chocolate....actually Tina gave it to me; and then about an hour later I sneaked (without anyone knowing) a little bit of the banana!  Well hey, I had to compare to see if Tina could make banana ice cream as well as I can, right???  She can :).

Anyway, my point is that there will ALWAYS be an excuse to treat myself, so I really have to decide for myself if it's worth the possibility of  missing a portion of my life, spending time with the people I love, being sick. I must admit...there are times when it really is worth it to me though...I'm just being honest!  That being said however, most of the time the answer would be "no, it's not".  Anyway, my goal this week has been to be more accountable and get myself back on track with counting my protein and calories, and it has paid off and thus, I've lost the two pounds.  I am still (NOW) 25 lbs. from my ultimate goal weight.....and while I am not convinced I will ever make it there, I am still not ready to give up on the dream of it.....so WE WILL SEE!!!  I will try to be more vigilant in posting my blog and hopefully that will help me to stay focused, which was the purpose of my blog to begin with. 

Here is a view of my thinning face.

Wow! I have really fallen on my blog.  Pauline is still in the hospital and is not doing well at all. In fact she has decided she won't have any further medical treatment and is now waiting for a bed in the Hospice Unit.  I think the whole family is struggling with that decision, however we do understand that she is exhausted and the doctor's have told her there really isn't anything else they can do that would change her outcome.  It is breaking my heart to know that I have to let her go.  My parents lost their second child when she was two years old, but none of us except for Patsy even knew her, so we didn't experience her loss. Pauline will be the first loss of a sibling for us, and I can tell you...it is very difficult! One of my biggest fears in life has always been that my older siblings will all pass before me and I will be left alone.  She is just the beginning of that possibility becoming a reality. We have been extremely blessed that we have gone this many years without a loss like this or of any kind really except for our parents.  

That being said, this is a real test of my ability to stay in control of my eating habits while under an unsurmountable amount of stress.  I haven't gained any weight and am holding my own, but I will say that I have fallen to having an occasional candy bar while at the hospital sitting around waiting.....boredom and stress together.....not a good combination.  I have also been drinking an awful lot of soft drinks.  I have tried over the past few days to pull it together and I think I have done fair.  One thing people have been telling me recently is how thin my face has become, and I have to say it has.....I haven't lost anymore weight, so not sure exactly why my face has thinned.  Only explanation I have come up with is, maybe it's because I have been chewing a lot of gum???? 

I will try to do better at posting!  Hopefully I will get through this hump here and get the last 20 lbs. off someday!!!

I haven't posted in over a month because Pauline has been sick and in the hospital, and I have just been too tired to take the time to post.  I have learned some things about myself over the past month though relative to my desire to eat during a crisis.  My nieces and I were talking about how while we've been going to the hospital so much, we have found it so easy to swing by McDonalds and get food, or in my particular case....and ice cream cone!  The soft serve cone at McDonalds is the perfect size for me and it doesn't cause me any problems with dumping, and probably once a week would not be so bad.  However, during the days we were going up there everyday, I found myself swinging through that drive-thru "every day" to pick up an ice cream cone....not good!  I find that the more I allow myself to splurge like that the more I "want" to splurge.  Definitely something to keep watch on and to be careful about.  I have not lost any weight in so long now, I would have to go back through my blog to find out when I did have a lost last; but I still have at least 19 lbs to lose before I want to level off.  Seems I may have already leveled off, but I do think it's most likely due to my own choice if I have.

Two Year Surgiversary!

Yes, I can hardly believe it has been two years today that I had my weight loss surgery. Two years out, I am very satisfied with my results and still very thankful to God for the opportunity to change my life. I still have about 19 lbs. to lose, and admit that there are times when I wonder if I will ever reach that goal, but I don't intend to give up just yet. Two years later I have learned so much about myself, and reading through this blog I see the changes and the challenges that still remain.

I believe my biggest challenge in finishing my goal has remained my desire to "emotional eat". My surgery did not fix my desire to eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed or bored. I have endured some significant challenges in the past year that have most likely helped to deter my success in reaching my goal. I also have to face the fact and admit that I still love to eat sweets, and unfortunately for me I have continued to indulge more often than I should.....but that is the biggest reason that I should NEVER have even allowed myself to have anything sweet to start with because the more I eat it, the more I want it. So in reflection, I can see why I haven't reached my goal yet. My biggest fear today still remains the "fear of gaining the weight back". I know too many people who have had this surgery that have gained it back, so...keeping that in mind I realize I am never out of the woods so to speak. It will have to be a lifetime committment to myself for me to continue in the success.

I am also reminded today of the things I am able to do that two years ago today I could not do. Most importantly....I can walk from my car to my office without being completely out of breath! In fact....in the afternoons, I am the first person back to my car because I walk so fast! I can cross my legs, bend over to pick things up off the ground, and get in the floor to sit without having to worry about how I am going to get up. In fact in the past couple of weeks I've been painting two rooms in my house, and can get down to paint the trim without problems. I can now ride a roller coaster, zip line, fit through tighter spaces.....the list could go on! I am very excited to say that I do not have asthma anymore or high blood pressure, and I do not take any medication for either!

As I celebrate today, I am reminded of my sweet mother who didn't have the opportunity in her lifetime to have this surgery. She has always been, and remains my inspiration, and I have no doubt that she would be my loudest cheerleader! Here's to you Mom....I have lost 136 lbs., and thank you Jesus for this wonderful opportunity!

April 4th, 2012

WOW!!! I didn't realize it had been over a month since I last posted. I have been a little down over the past month, it just seemed like nothing was going right and I just couldn't get myself motivated to post. Finally a couple of weeks ago, I prayed and told God that I just couldn't bear anymore and asked for some hope......having lean on His promise that he will not put more on us than we can bear, I was beginning to question. Believe it or not though, that very day Keith finally got a call after being off work for a back injury for 9 months that Toyota had a job for him and he started back on April 2nd. Also, on that very day Michael got a job and started on March 26th. So, yes I can testify that God really does not give us more than we can bear, God is good! Not only that.....that week I had also prayed for God to help me find some paint cheap because I wanted to paint my bedroom while I was on vacation last week, and never in a million years dreamed I would find it that cheap....but....I went into Sears that week and lo and behold, they had SIX gallons of paint marked down to $2.97 a gallon!!! YESSSS!!!! So, on my vacation I did get my bedroom painted and I love it! I have enough paint to paint another room in the house too....so I went from feeling very hopeless to feeling incredibly blessed in just a matter of days, thank you Jesus for showing up! Michael loves his job, and Keith started his job a couple of days ago and he LOVES it!!! What a blessing!

With all this going on I have to admit that I have struggled with emotional eating. I haven't gained any weight, in fact I have actually lost a pound and am now down 136 lbs, and have 19 to go til I reach my goal. I have really seen in the past month how the surgery did not fix my head.....I still want to eat when I am down, when I am happy, when I am sad, and pretty much just all the time....food is my comfort, my reward, and that ever so true friend that's always there for me when I just can't seem to get it together. I have discovered recently though that I seem to be having more problems with dumping syndrome. It seems that for the longest time I wasn't really bothered by it, but for some reason in the past few weeks it has started up again, and it's been pretty bad at times. HMMMM.....do you think my body is trying to tell me something??? DUH!

135 LBS. GONE, LAYNE BRYANT PANTS, AND UK T-SHIRT

Well, I have now officially lost 135 lbs., with 20 more to reach the doctor's weight goal for me and 30 to reach the goal I have set for myself.....we'll see! Today I am wearing the pants that I referred to earlier in February that Lynn had gotten for me at Layne Bryant a year ago. My goal was to be able to wear them by the end of February, and I made it! They're still a little snugger than I like, but they don't hurt to sit or eat in them;....you know what I mean!!! I'm still walking at least Mon-Fri for about 45 minutes per day. I'm hanging in there! Oh! one more exciting thing....I have NEVER owned a UK t-shirt, but Michael decided I needed one, so he bought me a really cute pink one yesterday in a size L, and it fit! I probably won't put it in the dryer, but that's okay!