Okay, so yesterday I had a few hours at home to myself so I could clean, and while cleaning I had some time to reflect on some things I really hadn't given much thought to. I posted my link to this blog on my FB and one of my friends asked if she could share it, and my response was "You can. It was very difficult for me in the beginning to divulge so much information about myself, but it's really been kind of healing for me." After spending some time in thought about my statement, I realized that I had used the word "healing", and I began to reflect on what I must have meant by "healing".
In watching The Biggest Loser, I always get really irritated with Jillian Michaels because she's always saying the people need to find out why they're over eating, and work on resolving those issues. It's always irritated me because why does she think every fat person has "issues", why can't it just be they eat because they love to eat? This is what my problem is, right? At least that's what I have always thought....till I realized I used the word "healing". So what did I need healing from???? I reflected on the fact that I shared early on that my weight has always been an issue, however the years where I put on the majority of my weight were very painful years, those years following my mother's passing and yes, I was very depressed through those years. I moved past those years, right? Then I remembered that although I had actually pretty much been able to maintain my weight for many years, I had also gone through a relapse of my depression, so much so that I was having thoughts of suicide. I was sure I would never actually do it, but I was uncomfortable enough that after Keith threatened to have me committed if I didn't get help; I went the doctor and was put on medication for it. I did get better and was better for many years.
Then several years ago, we had some issues come up in our family, and my depression was rearing it's ugly head again, and two years ago my doctor added another medication in addition to what I was taking. It was during that time that I started to gain weight and my weight gain got out of control. It wasn't because of the depression though, it was the medicine,.......I had a hysterectomy and it was for sure going to get better, but it didn't, it got worse, I continued gaining weight. STILL though, I just loved to eat, it had nothing to do with my depression, right????? WELL........MAYBE NOT!!! WHAT???? MAYBE NOT???? It occurred to me as I was reflecting yesterday that I absolutely had underlying issues that had only been covered up by medication........DO WHAT????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Yes, I realized I had ISSUES!!!!
The good news is that today, just nine months after my surgery, I have come off one of my medications completely and have cut the other in half, and am looking forward to coming off of it by the end of Winter. So yes Jillian, I realized that I did have issues that were sabotaging my efforts to lose weight and yes, I was eating myself to death because food was the one friend I had that gave me instant gratification. Unfortunately the long term results of that friendship were not healthy because the food controlled me, today I am learning with each passing day how to control the food!
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