Christmas 2011....It's a Wrap!

Yes, it's been a while since I last blogged. Someone asked me a few days ago if I had stopped, but no, I haven't stopped I've just been engaged in life, and had so many changes over the past few weeks that I haven't really had much time for blogging. Two weeks ago we got Dianne moved back to her house, and the day after she moved out Michael came home to stay, so we've just been very busy changing and rearranging.....then of course it was time for Christmas...WHEW!!!!

I must admit that through the holidays I have been extremely laxed on my eating and I have had deserts galore!!! Did they make me sick??? Well, sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Last night though I was looking through a friends pictures (a friend who had gastric bypass a few years ago), and in looking through those pictures I realized that this particular friend is just as big now, maybe bigger than before bypass. It really opened my eyes to the fact that this battle I fight every day is still very much there. Last check I had gained about 4 lbs since the start of the holiday season, which isn't too terribly bad considering I haven't been able to walk for about 6-8 weeks because of the stress fracture in my foot. HOWEVER....I'm sure my friend didn't think it was too bad when they gained the first 4 lbs back either, and now I can only imagine how that person must feel. My battle is LONG from over, and in reality I will say this battle will never be over, at least until the day I meet Jesus face to face.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions, however if I did, I would say that my goal for 2012 will be to finish losing the 33 lbs I still want to lose. I will try walking here in a week or so and see how my foot does; and hopefully that will be a go, and I'll be able to get back on track fairly quickly. Even with gastric bypass, I have discovered that exercise is still very much a vital role in the success of my weight loss. Not to mention that it really does make me feel better.

I hope each and every one of you have had a very Merry Christmas, and like me are looking forward to 2012. Twenty-eleven hasn't exactly been the best year for the Carroll's, so we are hoping 2012 will bring some positive changes to our lives, and hoping things will get back on track for us.

From our home to yours, wishing you all a very Happy and Safe New Year!

It's Almost Christmas!

Wow! I can hardly believe Christmas is just two weeks and two days away! I am sort of ready to do it and get it over with. We've been under quite a bit of stress the past few weeks, and I have been eating probably a little too much. We are about to have some changes, in that Dianne is going home this weekend, after being here for a year and a half, and Michael is coming home to stay for a while. Keith has been off work since July and is waiting for Toyota to call him with a new placement for his permanent restrictions. Brock is working at Amazon and has just blossomed! We are so excited about him. Needless to say 2012 is a welcome sight....it hasn't been one of the best years for our family, but we're going to be okay. God hasn't left us yet, and I have no reason to believe that he's going to now.

December is a month I try to reflect, and remember just how blessed we really are. I always think of my mom and dad during the holidays and I miss them terribly still. My dad passed away 14 years ago this year on December 20th. I can hardly believe he's been gone that long. I have such wonderful memories of Christmas' past. I can still remember the smells of baking my mom used to do. She always made homemade candy, jam cake, and fruit cake. I sure would love to have something she made just once more. I loved holidays in the Tuttle home....and it was a "home". Family is such an important part of us, and I am so thankful that being the youngest of ten, our family is still close and I can't imagine my life without them.

I don't make New Year resolutions, but if I did, mine for 2012 would be to reach my goal weight finally. I am so close and I would love to reach my goal by Summer. I haven't been able to walk for several weeks now due to a stress fracture in my foot, and I can tell a difference in the way I feel. Hopefully in a few more weeks I'll be able to get back at it.

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderfully blessed New Year. God is good all the time! Can't wait to see what blessings are in store for 2012!

November 13, 2011

Can you believe Christmas is just six weeks away??? I can't, and more than that I can't believe we are just over a week from Thanksgiving and from pulling out the Christmas decorations. I have now lost a grand total of 137 lbs....and 33 more to go till I reach my goal! YESS!!!!!! I am starting to think I might actually reach my goal. For a while there it still seemed so far out that I couldn't even imagine that I might really reach the end goal...but now I am starting to feel like it may really happen some day. I told Keith yesterday that I think it might be time to do some more updated photos soon....maybe this week. I am at that place now where when I lose five pounds I feel like I can really see it. If you've ever really been overweight you know there comes a place where you can lose 5 lbs, and nobody but you know you've done it....it will sometime take 40 lbs or more before others really begin to see it, but I feel I'm finally in that place were even just a few pounds at a time are starting to make a difference.

My plan for this next week is to stay positive in every aspect of my life....we're still waiting for Keith to get back to work, and after about 5 months, that seems like a dream....Brock starts his job this week finally, and Dianne is hoping to get to go home soon. So....my part in all of this is to remain positive, keep praying that things will start to roll here and we can start moving on with our lives. I feel like we've been spinning our wheels for so long without any progress, and I'm ready to get things going! So...I pray for Brock to be successful this week and enjoy his job, and for Keith to get the call from Toyota that they have found a place for him! If all of these things get going, I think it will really help me to stay focused on my weight loss. Just because I had weight loss surgery doesn't mean that I never get discouraged and want to eat out of discouragement and frustration....so I WILL STAY ON TOP OF IT THIS WEEK!

CAUTION: HOLIDAY'S AHEAD

Can you believe we are just three weeks from Thanksgiving and about 6 1/2 weeks from Christmas??? This year has gone by so fast! I must confess....I ate Halloween candy....there, I said it! I can tell the holidays are going to be a huge challenge for me this year. It doesn't help that for the past four weeks I haven't been able to walk because I have a stress fracture in my foot....not good!!! I am going to attempt to get at least a short walk in starting next week, it is better, so maybe I'll be able to do a short one.

Last night I went to the weight loss seminar with Keith, and had the opportunity to get up and share my story of my weight loss. Keith is considering having surgery, and the good thing for him is that he can get the Sleeve procedure, which is better than my roux-en-y bypass. It was kind of good for me to sit in on the seminar again, it helped remind me of the committment I have made to obey the rules of the bypass, and reminded me of the respect I should have for my new stomach. A good reminder to have with the holidays coming up! I can't believe I actually admitted in front of Dr. Weiss that I had been eating Halloween candy, but I did. Then I had the chance to share that although I had eaten candy, I still wasn't able to eat the amount of candy I could have (and did) two years ago. I think it's important for those who are thinking about having surgery that they WILL still be tempted and it won't be easy every day to make the right choices....however, the good thing about my bypass is that, I still have this tool to help me jump back on the wagon when I fall off.

October 27, 2011

Well the last week has been difficult for me....I have started having problems with acid reflux and stomach issues. I have started on Prilosec and it seems to be helping, but I am very scared that I may have to give up my coffee. I have cut out the lemon juice I put in my tea and mustard, hoping that will help.....then IF I HAVE TO I guess I will cut out the coffee.

I wanted to pass along that I did go to the health food store and they do not have the peanut spread from Walden Farms.....so, I am going to go ahead and order some this week myself and I'll let you guys know how it is. I am excited about it!

Also, I was very excited this past Saturday when I purchased my first pair of knee high boots in about 30 years!!! YES!!! That is definitely an accomplishment! Go me!!!

October 19, 2011

Yes, it's been while since I updated....I've just been kind of busy. You will notice that I changed the style of writing on my page; that's because I heard through the grapevine that some of you were having trouble reading it in the handwriting style....sorry about that....you should have spoken up sooner!!!

As of yesterday I hit 195!!! That's a grand total of 130 lbs. lost, with 35 to go till I reach "MY" goal. I see the nurse practitioner on Friday for my 18 month check up. I also have hit a road block with my exercising....I have a stress fracture in my foot....which clearly means I am not able to walk or really do much of anything else related to exercise for a while. I'm having to pay a lot closer attention to my caloric intake, can't count on the walking to help walk off anything "extra" I may want to eat.

I'm still in that in between size category between a 16 and a 14....I tried on a pair of jeans today at Kohl's that were a size 14 and they went on with ease, but they were still just a tad too snug for my taste, however they had the stretch in them, so I think if I had left them on for a while they might have actually been okay. I'm really needing a pair of jeans, so maybe in a week or so I will have to go ahead and purchase some....looking for a really good sale.....still too much to lose to pay full price for anything. I am hoping that by next spring I will be close enough to my goal that I will be able to start buying my "new wardrobe". I CAN'T WAIT!!! I feel so blessed and am so excited that I have not hit over 200 lbs on the scale for several weeks now.....I'm staying very consistent between 195-197.....YEA!!! Thank you Jesus!

Just Keeps Getting Better!

Wow! I may be posting too much this week, but what a week....I have lost 4 lbs this week....I'm now down to 196!!! WOO HOO!!! Not sure what has happened, but I know I like it! I started the Wellbutrin two weeks ago Monday, so I don't know if something in it has kicked in, or if it's just coincidence. I looked back through my blog and realized that I had reached 100 lbs. almost a year ago on 10/10/10. Since that time I have only lost 29 lbs.....not much in almost a year's time, especially with having had gastric bypass. I have 36 lbs left before I reach my goal weight, so hopefully by summer I'll make it....that would be sooooo...........awesome!

I think the Wellbutrin is starting to help, I feel like the "edge" is better, but it won't be two weeks till Monday, so it's still a little early to tell for sure. This is the first weekend that I haven't had planned from beginning to end in a LONG time, hopefully I will be able to get some much needed housework done! That alone will make me feel better!

Have a good weekend everyone!

Proof of Onederland

It's a little hard to see, but if you look close you can see it!

Finally, Wonderful Onederland!!! WOO HOO!!!

Yes, I finally made it to "onederland".....go me!!!! I'm posting a picture, and it's hard to see, but you can see the 199 if you look close. This is such an amazing day for me; I can't remember the last time I weighed less than 200 lbs. I am sure is was sometime not terribly long after Brock was born, so it's been approximately 20 years.

My niece Marissa went with me to Kings Island Saturday for Toyota Day and she got me on a ride called "Fire Hawk"......oh man what a ride!!! Not necessarily a good one either! I was reflecting on my way in to work this morning and thinking about all the things I've done this year, after losing now 126 lbs., and I have zip lined, gone to New York City and walked/ran, and now I can add riding 5 roller coasters to that list. One thing I found I was able to do by August of last year, was cross my legs....amazing....I've been able to do so many things that 126 lbs ago I would have never been able to do. I serve an absolutely amazing God, and I thank him so much for the gifts he gave to the man who performed my surgery, Dr. Weiss, and those who invented and have made the gastric bypass an option for people in 2011. I am so very blessed and today I feel sure that my momma is looking down on me and is very happy for me! I can hear her voice saying "go Pam, go Pam, go Pam!"

Thursday, September 22nd

No, not "onderland" yet! I haven't been feeling well for the past week or so, and I've had a lot problems with my stomach. I don't know if I've had a virus or what, but I just haven't felt well. I did call my doctor and he has started me back on Wellbutrin for SAD. I hope I get to feeling better soon.....really been down in the dumps lately.

If it doesn't rain Saturday, Marissa, my niece and I are going to Kings Island for Toyota Day....my first trip to an amusement park since I've lost weight. I haven't been able to ride rides for several years because I was too big to fit in them. I also went to the Mall Tuesday after work and was so excited about finding a blouse for $4.99 on the clearance rack in Sears. I haven't been able to find good bargains on clearance racks in YEARS! I especially am thankful for them now because of needing clothes, but not at goal yet, I don't want to spend a lot on clothes; not to mention right now I just don't have a lot to spend.

Stay posted folks....I'm still hopeful that "onderland" is just around the corner!

Bounced Back from Vacation

Well, I have finally lost my two pounds I gained from vacation. The first week back was a killer....I was exhausted to say the least!!! A real eye opener....I feel like I can't possibly be 50 years old......after coming home from a whirlwind vacation with a 15 hour drive/ride home....yes, I really am 50 years old!

I'm still having trouble getting my calories back under control. I am really surprised at how I depend on a food journal to keep me in check. You would think that after all this time I should know calories and be able to keep myself a head count, but I promise you....it doesn't work for me like that! Which is probably why I have always struggled with my weight so much.

Hopefully my next post heading will read "ONEDERLAND"!!!! I am not giving up!!!

Back from Vacation

9Well, I didn't exactly lose any weight on vacation, in fact I'm actually up almost two pounds. That's okay; the problem though is that this week the weather has been so dreary and cold that all I have wanted to do is eat since I've been home. I have been in a really deep funk this week and I'm sure Keith is about ready to send me back to Connecticut! I am even considering calling my doctor back and requesting medication. I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and the weather is really causing it to rear it's ugly head this week; and SAD is not weight related. I have been extremely exhausted this week, and feel like I could just sleep for days. This isn't exactly the post I had hoped to put up this week, but it is what it is and SAD is something I will apparently have to be very careful of for the winter coming on, that head game of wanting to eat when it's cold is of great concern to me. It's a continual battle of the mind!

I did find out that one of my blog followers recognized me a couple of weeks ago when I was out at Cracker Barrel, that was really cool! If you are following my blog and I don't know you, let me know if you see me, I would love to meet you! When I found out I had been seen I found myself going back thinking "Oh my gosh! What did I eat????" I hadn't thought about the possibility of people "watching" me. I remembered that I had eaten well though so I didn't worry about it, LOL! Good thing nobody saw me on vacation!!! I actually didn't do too bad, except the hotel had a continental breakfast and since it was free we ate there several days. The problem with that was that all they had was bagels, toast, and cereal. No protein! I just ate a bagel and a banana most mornings and tried to make up for the protein while we were out......not sure I achieved that goal, but I did the best I could.

On the up side.....Connecticut and New York were awesome, and I got to see my boy!!! Connecticut is a very beautiful state, and New York was really fun, and I definitely got my exercise in.....we walked and walked and walked! I wouldn't want to live in either place, but they were great places to visit! Irene was gone by the time we got there, and the weather was absolutely beautiful!!!

Saturday, August 27th, 2011

Well, I am soooo.......close to that 199 mark, in fact yesterday I got up and weighed and the scale said "199.8", so I stepped off and moved the scale and stepped back up, and "199.8", so then I reached for my camera to take a picture and stepped up again and it said "200.4"....LOL!!! So I am not going to say it yet....but it's coming baby, it's coming!!! LOL!!!

I will be leaving Monday morning early to go see Michael in Connecticut, so I will have to go a whole week without weighing or posting. Hopefully by the time I get back I will be able to post that I have fallen into "Onederland"! Still praying for the storm to pass quickly and not do much damage up there so we will be able to go have a good time, and get to take our day trip into New York City. More than all that though, I am just looking so forward to seeing my sweet son! I miss him so much, and am looking forward to getting to celebrate his 27th birthday with him before I leave to come home! His birthday is September 5th, Labor Day this year, so we are going to celebrate it next Saturday night before I leave to come home on Sunday. Keith and I went out this evening to buy a card for him, and Keith said "This is his first birthday we haven't been able to spend with him", I asked him if he was sad about that and he said "kind of, yea". You know with all the mistakes we've made parenting and all of the things we've been through with our boys, seeing how ALL of us have dealt with Michael's moving away has been so wonderful for me to see that while Satan has tried his best to destroy our family in the past few years, God is still in control, and we all still love each other so much!!! Now that's something to be thankful for!!! Satan has not been able to destroy our love for each other, that's something that Keith and I have done right; and we will continue clinging to the Lord's promise that he will take care of our sons. I believe that our family is on the verge of receiving some wonderful blessings and I am so excited and can't wait to see what it is that God has in store for us! We are truly blessed!

I am curious to see how I handle being on vacation this week with eating. I told Keith I will have to work extra hard to not eat things that might make me sick, I mean heck, I'm going to have a good time and I don't have time to spend any of it sick and miserable! Packing along protein bars and pretzel filled peanut butter to help make sure I get the protein in. Hope you all have a wonderful week, and I'm looking forward to making my next post about "ONEDERLAND"!!!! Woo Hoo!!!

ONE MORE POUND TO GO!!!

WOO HOO!!!! As of today I am "ONE" pound from "onederland"! I got up this morning and weighed and sure enough the scale said 200....so I moved it and stepped on again and 200, moved it again and stepped on again, 200!!! After about 4 times I accepted it as real and not just some joke from my scale. Stay posted everyone....."onederland" is just around the bend! :)

I'm Back!!!

Well, this is not totally related to weight loss, but it is more about the fact that I have come off my antidepressants, and essentially I've had several people in the past three days notice that my passion is back!!! Over the past several months I've noticed that I truly felt "nothing", no emotion what so ever! So, I talked to my primary care doctor about it when I saw him last and he agreed that perhaps I needed to come off my medication. Sooo.....two weeks later my emotions are running rampid and I'm regaining the fire I once had in me. Last night I was at the hospital while my sister was in the ER and I was telling the story of my car being in the shop and how I told the dealership that I would NOT be paying for my car repaired, I bought it Used Certified, and I they would be paying the bill, not me.....my brother looked at me and said "they have medication for that". Later my nieces, Tina, Rhonda and I were talking and Tina said "Where is all this coming from? I haven't seen you like this in years!" I said "I'm not medicated anymore", and they just laughed. Then, this morning in church I my heart was overflowing and I teared up, and the lady sitting next to me asked me if I was okay, and I then explained to her that I am fine, this is really me, and I am not on my medication anymore. Michael had asked me a few years ago, "mom, where is the passion that you used to have?", and I said "I still have passion, I just deal with it differently", well.....Michael...your momma's "passion" is back!!! I say all this to say that while antidepressants are definitely good, and many times over the past several years or so, I could not have survived without them; after all these years, I am having to learn how to live with myself again, hopefully it's not a bad thing, and hopefully those around me will be able to tolerate me!!!

My Journey at a Glance

Dressed to go to a Wedding - Latest Picture

Just TWO More Pounds!!!

Just two more pounds till "Wonderful Onderland"!!! That's right....as of yesterday I am sitting on 201!!! Keith asked me the other day if I had gotten below 200 yet, and I said "have you heard me yell yet?", I assured him that if I had hit it, EVERYBODY would know!

I went to the Central Baptist Weight Loss Seminar Saturday and shared my story with prospective bariatric patients. It helps to get me motivated when I go and share, it reminds me of "why" I did this in the first place. Dr. Weiss asked me how much food I could eat now, and I told him I could actually eat quite a bit, then he asked me what I meant by that. So I said I could eat a McDonald's kids meal with a cheeseburger, without half of the bun, and most of the fries, but maybe not all of them. He then explained to the group that while I feel like I can eat a lot, he pointed out to them that if they went to McDonald's now they would not be satisfied with a kid's meal, and to me it sounds like a lot compared to what I could have eaten just a few months ago, which I wouldn't have probably been able to eat the entire burger, much less any of the fries. That actually helped me put it in perspective too. He's right, before my surgery I definitely could have eaten a Quarter Pounder with a large fry, and drank a coke. No way could I do that now! I also shared with them that I had been stuck for 5 months and had to go see the nutritionist at Dr. Weiss' office to help me get going again. I think it's important that they realize this could happen to them....I didn't realize that I would reach a place where I would "have to struggle" to get the rest of my weight off after surgery. I thought after surgery it would just fall off. While it is much easier to lose weight, there does reach a place where it doesn't just "fall off" anymore. I do have to be extremely careful what I put into my body now.

Also, I did check with Meijer on Reynolds Road and they did not have any of the Walden Farm items. I plan to check with Good Foods this week and see if they have any, will keep you posted.

Saw the Nutritionist Today

Well, I'm down 4 lbs. since I last saw the nutritionist! Go me!...still just 3 lbs. till I fall off into "onederland", but I'm getting there!!! I explained to her that as prepared as I was for what was to come after my bypass, I still struggle with making right choices.....I still want to fill my plate too full at pot lucks, I still LOVE to eat sweets, etc.... Sometimes I still eat out of boredom or emotion....it's all still there! I know there are some people who go into this and are just thinking about "getting skinny again", but I will say that as happy as I am with my results, I am thankful that I truly feel I was as prepared as I could have been for what was to come. That being said though, I think I didn't fully grasp the reality that this is still a "lifetime" process. Now that I am 16 months post-op......I can eat very well and my desire to eat....well, let's just say it is still in tact! I think I may have been fooled by those people who when I would ask them about sweets, etc., and they said "oh, I have no desire for them"; while I do believe that's a possiblity, I think it's more realistic to say that those people have NEVER allowed themselves to eat those things again.....when you're like me (and I do allow those things), however, I AM GOING TO EAT THEM again, so I need to realize that I will have to accept the responsibility that comes with that decision....so....there you go!

She did share a website with me, it's http://www.waldenfarms.com/, and they have all kinds of condiments, syrups, peanut spread, etc. that are all sugar free and calorie free! Woo Hoo!!! I did a store locator and it looks like they sell their products at Good Foods on Southland Drive and at Meijer. I'll be checking it out and let ya'll know.

CBH Weight Loss Website

I've been meaning to post here the CBH weight loss website, I am featured in the home page at
http://cbhweightloss.com/default. This is pretty cool for me. I also forgot in my last post to mention that I had my 6 month check up with my primary care doctor and I am officially off all but two of my medications....both of which are not for weight related problems, my glaucoma eye medication and restless leg medication. I am OFF my blood pressure medication, all my asthma medications, and both my antidepressants. My PCP was very pleased and reminded me (when I mentioned that I still need to lose about 40 more pounds) that I have already reached my goal for having weight loss surgery. He reminded me that a year and a half ago I was over 320 lbs, my blood pressure was like 160/90 something, my asthma was barely controlled, and I could barely walk because of my knee and joint pain. Therefore, IF I never lose another pound, I have definitely accomplished what I set out to achieve by having weight loss surgery and I should be happy with my results, which I am. I am definitely blessed!!!

So Close and Yet So Far!

Still just a few pounds away from Onederland......although I have to admit that I might have gotten there this week if I had just been a little more focused.....oh heck...who am I kidding....more like if I had been "a lot" more focused! Yes, it's been a very challenging week and I have to admit that I've been an "emotional" eater this week. Keith has hurt his back at work again and is off, so I've been worried about finances; and last weekend I didn't get much sleep and was very busy, so I've been extremely tired this week. Therefore, the old habits/ideas of food making me feel better (even though it doesn't), have been running rampid this week. I find when I'm tired I get extremely sloppy with my eating. Gotta work harder and smarter next week!

THREE POUNDS TILL "ONEDERLAND"

So excited...I'm starting to go down finally! I am now at 202....yes....just three pounds till I get into "onederland"! I suppose counting calories works...imagine that, what a concept! I am taking a meal to a family tonight and making brownies, so of course I feel like I should make them for my own family too, however I am very nervous that I will end up eating some myself. Everything in moderation...right??? Be listening for the day I hit 199...I guarantee you will all hear the scream where ever you are!

Working on Cutting the Calories Back

Well, it's been a week since I saw the nutritionist and I have finally gotten back to within one pound of where I was in May at my lowest weight. I am still struggeling to stay under 1,200 calories a day......I almost always hit 1,300 or a little over. Obviously some days are better than others. Hard for me to get the protein in and stay under 1,300. Last Friday was a bad day for me, in fact I didn't even try to count the calories.....couldn't count that high! Keith and I took some time away for the day to celebrate our 29th anniversary (which was in June), and we went to New Albany, Indiana and ate lunch at the Paula Deen restaurant there......a buffet with sooo much food, including desserts! Loads of butter.....and boy was it awesome! With every bite I took I said "Oh my God", and Keith laughed so hard at me. They had a coconut cake, and of course I "had" to try it out.....Oh my God!!!! Within a half hour after finishing lunch I started foaming at the mouth and had to make a mad dash for the bathroom. Luckily though, I never threw up, but I stayed in the bathroom for a half hour just to be on the safe side. Was it worth it???? Well, yes, just once for the experience, but to do it again???? No, I don't think so!

Then we went back to Louisville to St. Matthew's Mall and I tried on about 20 dresses for an upcoming wedding in August; and no, I didn't buy one yet, but I will say this....I LOVE to shop now!!! THEN.......we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and split a philly steak sandwich, and yes, we got cheesecake! We did bring it home for later though, and yes, I did get sick on it again. It was awesome going down though! However, I think next time I "have to have" Cheesecake Factory, I'll stick with plain low carb w/ fruit on it though.....I won't be having the macadamia nut or the Reeses! Oh well, sometimes you just gotta splurge and for sure I did!!!

Met With the Nutritionist Yesterday

Yesterday was my meeting with the nutritionist and I found it to be very helpful and enlightening. She had asked me to journal my food and I discovered I was having on average about 1,600 calories a day. She told me that is fine, and it's really good because it shows that 1,600 calories is my maintenance calories, which will help in the end when I get to maintenance. In the meantime however, I need to cut my caloric intake down to around 1,200. It's probably going to take me a few days to get that down. She also "buzzed" me on weighing too often. I weigh every night, in the middle of the night when I get up to go to the bathroom, and every morning......yes, that's right....3 times a day! I told her that at first I didn't think I was obsessed over it, however I have come to the realization that apparently I am obssessed with it.

So, my goals for the next four weeks are to 1) Cut my calories down to 1,200 a day; 2) Weigh only once a day; 3) Walk at least 40 minutes a day; and 4) No "mindless" eating. In four weeks I will go visit her again and hopefuly have started my loss back again.....goal is to lose 1 lb a week. Still learning so much about myself!!!

July 8th, 2011 Got My Game Going On

Yes, I got my game going on, but that's not necessarily a good thing....cause it's in my head! I discovered yesterday that I can visit the nutrionist at the doctor's office for free, so I decided to call her and get an appointment. When I called she asked that I keep a log of my food till my visit with her, next Wednesday. So....in writing down my intake from yesterday this morning I realized that I am clearly sabbotaging myself with those little BLT's.....bites, licks and tastes (a term from my Weight Watcher days). Okay, so did you realize that one of those big jaw breakers from Cracker Barrel has about 100 calories in it????? I never dreamed it would have that many! Seven Cheetos is approximately 80 calories....yea, great question "why am I having cheetos and jawbreakers to start with", right???? I've also been very laxed about eating popcorn, chips, etc....you get the picture....."how much can a little bit hurt?". Brings me back to what I have been saying all along, they fixed my stomach, but not my head! Which leads me to my next point.....so I have been sabotaging myself......what next??? Forget the past and move forward I say! With my stomach being able to hold so much more, it is very difficult to keep myself in check, but if I am honest with myself I do tend to eat out of boredom....a very difficult habit to break. I will post next week after meeting with the nutritionist and keep everyone posted. I am trying to update more now, but I am finally realizing that I haven't been keeping myself in check like I should have been, which is most likely the cause of my LONG plateau!!!

July 4th, 2011 - Darn Sugar!!!

Happy July 4th everyone!!! I LOVE this holiday! I have learned so much about myself this weekend in celebrating. I had bought a colossal cookie to take to the July 4th celebration at Lynn and Larry's Saturday....that stupid cookie has haunted me all weekend!!! There was very little of it taken at the get together, so I had to bring it home......that thing haunted me till I got home at 11:30 that night and HAD to eat some...then I was sick for over an hour till I finally fell off to sleep! I have decided that I am NOT safe with even a "little bit" of sugar! I just cannot handle having a little bit....one little bit becomes the desire for two little bits, two little bits becomes the desire for three little bits.....well, you get the picture! Anyway....I have discovered this weekend that I am just going to have to go back to the basics and completely avoid sugar altogether!!! I have discovered that if I have sugar in small doses I don't get sick....unfortunately as I proved to myself this weekend....I can't handle small doses...even with getting sick...it just doesn't stop me!!! I had a discussion with myself yesterday and came to the realization that I needed to decide if I was going to accept what I had permanently done by having this surgery and allow it to do for me what I went into it expecting it to do.......OR.....if I was going to buck the system I have created in my stomach and let it fail in the end!!! WOAHHH!!!! Thus the HEAD GAME!!!! Clearly as I have said many times before, they didn't fix my head, they fixed my stomach. Anyway I have decided that perhaps the reason for my LONG stall might be that I have been sabotaging myself! Okay, so as of yesterday I decided to go back to the basic of cutting out the sugar completely, and the original basics of this program of ingesting nothing that has more than 3 grams of sugar in it...Let's see what happens!

July 2010 and July 2011 --- PROGRESS!!!

June 28, 2011

Well, I decided it's time for a new attitude so I decided to update the look of my blogger and reflect the changes that I'm making to try to get this jouney completed! I have increased my protein intake, decided to cut back to half pot of coffee (instead of a whole pot), I'm cutting out my Greek yogurt because of the sugar content, trying to eat slower (which is sooooo....diffficult for me), and add water to my daily routine.........if all this doesn't get things moving.........I have NO IDEA WHAT ELSE TO DO!!! I figure if I do all this, the only left for me is to "wait", which those of you who know me....know that's a difficult thing for me to do!

It just occurred to me that today is really a great day to mark my changes...it was 21 years ago today that I had my last conversation with my mother before she passed away. I remember going to see her that evening and it was just me and her in the room and we talked about me being pregnant (I had just found out I was expecting Brock), and she was worried about me because I had just lost all my weight I had gained after having Michael and she was worried that I would gain it all back (.....hmmmm.......if she had only seen me a year ago!). She wouldn't let me bring Michael in to see her that night because she had found out there was a kid admitted to the same floor she was on that had been diagnosed with Spinal Menengitis; she could never have lived with herself if he had gotten sick because of her. There she was laid up in the bed facing her last hours of life and all she could think about was others! I also remember that her roommate had gotten strawberry shortcake that evening for dinner, and my mom talked about how good that looked and how she was wanting some so bad. Mom was diabetic so they didn't bring her any, however as I reflect on how much the world has changed in the last 21 years, today they would have brought her the strawberries with artifical sweetner on them. I remember thinking the next night, that if I had only known it was her last night of life, I would have gotten her that strawberry shortcake!

June 21, 2011

WOW!!! I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. I am still hanging in there, but pretty much the same old story.....stall, stall, stall!!! Hopefully it will end soon. I am still hanging around the same few pounds, bouncing up and down! Really wish I could at least get below these few pounds so I can fall below 200, but hopefully in due time. Supposedly I am not finished losing weight, so I am hoping to start moving down again soon.

Since my surgery I have not had to start back on my hormones because I haven't had any issues, but the past few days I am having hot flashes again. Last night was miserable....I would cover up because I was freezing, then I would wake up a while later burning up and have to kick my covers off, then start freezing and start the whole process over, it went on all night! I may have to call my gynecologist if it continues!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

YUKKKK..........We had a retirement luncheon today at work and I overfilled my plate again, and yes I sat there till I had eaten MOST of it! I am not sure at what point I will ever learn to watch what I'm doing when I'm at large functions. I just fill my plate and don't give any thought till I sit down and look at my plate and realize what I have done. The mind portion of this journey continues!

I am pretty much stuck again since my last post, I stay between the same 5 lbs, with no additional loss to report at this time. Someone mentioned to me the other day that I am not keeping my blog as up to date these days, but as I explained to them....these days there just really isn't a whole lot to tell. I am hoping and praying that I will meet my goal by the end of this year.....sooner would be nice, but I'd be happy to be there before Thanksgiving.....WOW!!! I just realized this is almost June....I better hurry!!! Actually I think what I was meaning by "this year", is by next April, which is the 2nd anniversary of my surgery.....WHEW! That sounds better. Hopefully it will help now that the weather is actually starting to warm up and we have few days ahead without rain, maybe I'll be able to get outside and do some yardwork.

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend ahead!

FINALLY!!! THE STALL IS BROKEN!!!

Yeee Haw!!! I finally broke my stall this morning and I have now lost 122 lbs.......YES!!! I am just 3 lbs from hitting the big 200 and 4 lbs from falling into "onederland"! Go me!!! I have not had a loss since mid February and although I wasn't loosing faith....I was beginning to get worried that I had stopped losing. To reach my goal I am now 48 lbs away....and if I reach the goal the doctor's office set for me I am just 33 lbs away......either way I will be happy with where I end up.

It's a big day in our house....we're going tonight with the Tuttle's to celebrate with Michael his move to Connecticut next week, and then tomorrow of course is Mother's Day and we'll be celebrating with the Carroll's. Gonna miss my boy!!!

This is the twentieth year that I have had Mother's Day without my mother, and while it has gotten easier, I still miss her very much on her special day. She was definitely the role model of motherhood and I really wish I had only been half the mother she was.....although I tried, I'm very sure I never quite met the standards she set before me! My boys are awesome and I am very thankful to have them with me on this Mother's Day.

VITAMIN D LOW

I got my labs back last week and my vitamin D is low again. I have to increase it to 50,000 IU's a week. This would explain why I've been so tired lately. I also think I might be getting ready to break through this plateau I've been in. Since the end of last week I have been at the low end of the the 5 lbs. I keep fluctuating in, so hopefully by the end of this week I will break it.

My baby is getting ready to head to CT in a week and a half. I'm excited for him and hope he's happy there. I'm planning to go see him the second week of June, so it won't be so bad at the beginning, but it will be hard to get from June till Christmas without seeing him. At least it's 2011 and we have text, free long distance, Facebook, and Skype......no need to go for weeks at a time without contact like it used to be thirty years ago. Today's technologies sure make it easier for a mom!

One Year Follow Up Appointment

I had my one year follow up appointment today with the nurse practitioner. It was an excellent visit and she was very happy with my progress. I had only lost two pounds according to their scales from my visit in January, and she told me not to be concerned about that, I am still doing great and I will finish losing the weight. I admitted to her that I am drinking about 12 ounces of diet coke twice a week now, and she said that if that's the worst I do that's great. I did admit to her that I ate some malted Easter eggs Saturday, but she was thankful to hear that they made me sick.

I have gone back to eating chili for lunch this week, hoping that will start my loss back up again. I had been trying to have sandwiches for lunch, but I don't really like eating sandwiches that much anymore and not sure, but just wonder if it could be part of what's slowing me down. I just have a difficult time coming up with some lunches that are different. Maybe I will try some Lean Cusines next week, and see what they do for me.

My Blog is 1 Year Old

WOW!!! Amazing and hard to believe that I started my blog exactly one year ago today! Tuesday, April 12th marks the first anniversary of my surgery. This has been the most amazing journey so far, and I am so excited to see where the next year takes me. Hopefully below that 200 lb mark and into Onederland!

Today I read back through the beginning of my journey, and I realized that the demons are all still the same, and are all still there ready to rear their ugly heads!!! I still love to eat, as I discovered this Winter, I do eat out of boredom still, and I still struggle with knowing when enough is enough. My total weight loss still stands at 120 lbs, which is very awesome and amazing to me. Even though I have not lost any weight since February 22nd, I realize that 120 lb weight loss is amazing in itself, and my journey is still continuing. They tell me that I can expect the weight loss to continue well into my second year, and by this time next year I should be leveled off wherever my body chooses to be. I would like to lose 50 more pounds, and the doctor's office says a good stopping place for me is 35 more pounds, so either way....after losing 120 lbs., 35-50 more pounds sounds doable at this point. Hopefully this summer when I can get outside and work in the yard I will finish losing it. All the while keeping in mind that my battle with food continues........for the rest of my life!

One year later I am so very happy with my decision to have gastric bypass, and so thankful that God allowed me this opportunity and has blessed me with good health. Oh how I wish momma were here to share this with me! I know she would be my best cheerleader. :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I haven't posted in several weeks....I've been feeling a little down. I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago, and I ended up gaining a few pounds. I have lost all of them now, but still hanging on to the last few pounds before I fall into "onederland". I will be one year out from surgery in just a few weeks, and it would be so awesome for me if I could make to "onederland" before my anniversary date. I am able to eat quite a bit more now and it really makes me nervous! I can't wait for the weather to warm up enough that I can get out and do some yard work, surely that will help me not to eat! I still love food....can't deny it! Michael will be leaving in just over a month to go to Nepal for a month, then moving to Connecticut with Krayne in June. Billie Jo is going with me to see them in June and we're going to visit New York City. I have never been to New York City and am looking forward to the experience. I am also thankful that I can visit without the worries of fitting into tight places on the train, theater seats, etc., and just simply feeling like walking the streets of New York. They live just about two miles from the beach.....my first experience with trying to find a swimming suit coming up....that should be interesting! My legs do NOT look good, so being in a swim suit won't be that much better than before losing weight. They are very flabby! My arms are very flabby too, so I'm still having to be very careful with short sleeve and no sleeve shirts. Although I do look a lot better in my clothes, I've discovered that "just because I CAN wear something; doesn't mean I should wear it!"

Latest Pictures....Size 16

SIZE 16!!!!

I went to Cato's last night and tried on some pants.....the 18's were too big.....the 16's are still just a little snug, but they fit!!!!! I was sooooo.......excited! I actually had to move over to the other side of the store!!! WOO HOO!!!! That was so very difficult in my head to fathom.....I kept going from one side of the store to the other, thinking I must have missed something in the plus sizes.

Since Dianne moved in I haven't been going to the gym, and I keep thinking I need to force myself to get up there, but just haven't gotten me there yet. I have exactly 50 lbs till I reach my goal and I'm sure going to the gym would give me a jump start. I have been walking at work about a mile or so a day, and the past couple of weeks two of the elevators have been out, so I've been climbing the stairs. It is getting easier, and I really think I've noticed a difference in my hips since climbing the stairs. As long as my knee doesn't start acting up I will keep climbing the steps.

It's been a good week in my journey!!!

120 POUNDS GONE!!!!

Yep, that's right, 120 lbs. gone!!!! Yes, I am happy about that! I am just 6 lbs. away from "onederland", 50 lbs. from reaching my personal goal, and I am getting excited. I have really struggled through the winter with wanting to snack. It's been 10 months since my surgery and I am finding I can eat more and I have to admit that it makes me nervous. Of course winter is always worse, and the "head" stuff still continues. Too bad they can't come up with some sort of surgery for the head. My iron was elevated last month, so I was able to cut it out and I think that may have helped a little.

Sooooo........looking forward to Spring!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

WOW, what a weekend!!! I had my 50th birthday Friday and my co-workers decorated my office and had cake, and then Friday night my family threw me a surprise party. Saturday I went downtown to Rupp Arena and zip lined, then I went out to a movie and dinner with Keith; and then yesterday we celebrated Brock's 20th birthday at Columbia's and everybody came back to our house for cake. This morning I was wide awake at 4:00 a.m., and so was Brock, so he came downstairs and I made him some hot chocolate, and he and I spent some time just talking.

Needless to say I did not reach Onederland by my birthday. I am still about 9 lbs away from there, and it is just "creeping" off at this point. That's okay though, maybe I'll hit it by Easter or Mother's Day.

I did eat cake every day since Friday....and it hasn't bothered me. Not sure if it was because I didn't eat ice ceam with it, or if it was just because I was careful not have too much food just before I ate the cake. Tonight after we finish celebrating Brock's birthday though....the cake is out! My total loss is still sitting at 117 lbs.

Dianne had her surgery on 2/4, and is doing great! She even went out to eat with us yesterday for Brock's birthday dinner. Hope everyone is enjoying their Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Winter blues!!! I am really having trouble....I want to munch all day! I will be so glad when warmer weather returns! For some reason I have craved potato chips, and so far I've headed it off with tortilla chips......I don't know though, I'm beginning to think I need to just go ahead and have some potato chips and get this thing over with!

For some reason though I'm noticing that I seem to be having more trouble with sugar, which is a good thing. If you remember early on I couldn't stand the thought of sweets, and then around the holidays I felt like my sweet tooth was rearing it's ugly head, but lately it seems when I try to eat sweets they make me feel really bad for a while.....especially that cake and ice cream over the weekend! Since then I had some Peanut M&M's and they made me feel bad too, I ate some through the holidays and they didn't bother me at all. I don't care though.......if they make me sick I won't eat them!

Dianne's surgery is in just two days. It's been a long week for her and she's been really frustrated with insurance and everything, but it will all work out. She and I were talking last night about how nice it would be to just pick up and move to Florida, get warm and just start our lives completely over!!! I can't wait for summer.........hope I get to go to the beach!!!

DUMPED!!!

Well, today we had cake and ice cream for Andria's birthday, and yes I ate both.....don't think I will do that again......I got so sick!!! Cake used to never bother me, but I got a little sick from it on Keith's birthday and now this time......ice cream has bothered me a couple of times, but today it was really bad! I had a house full of company and spent about thirty minutes in the bathroom sick and still had to end up laying down for about an hour before it got better. I think I need to stay away from both! Cake has always been a favorite, but I think it kind of lost it's pizazz for me today!

I'm still at 117 lbs. lost, haven't lost any this week, but that's cool. Just 9 lbs. from Onederland! Had an opportunity to talk to a gentleman this week at work who had had the Sleeve procedure in December and he was telling me that he's done great and glad he did it. I think it's just so amazing what modern medicine can do and am so thankful and blessed to have had my roux-en-y bypass!

The next couple of weeks are going to be long, as Dianne is going to have her breast cancer surgery on Friday, February 4th. Keep her in your prayers.

I AM HEALED!!!

Yes, that's what I said "HEALED"!!! I had my appointment today with my primary care doctor and he heard "NO HINT" of wheezing! I have now been off my asthma medication for about two months, and I am doing great! This has been an awesome week, I had my appointment on Tuesday with the bariatric nurse practitioner and today with my PCP, both visits were uneventful in the fact that there are no complications. My PC told me that I am making his job "easy and boring" now!!! Woo hoo!!!!

My total loss is now 116 lbs., and I am feeling so good! New thing for me.....some chairs I sit in, when I go to get up my butt hurts!!! I've lost most of my padding! I am so blessed!!!

This is my friend Billie Jo. Billie Jo had surgery two weeks before me, and has now lost 120 lbs., and my total is 115 lbs. Sweet young lady, and am so blessed to have met her through this journey.

Do I Really JUST Love to Eat????

Okay, so yesterday I had a few hours at home to myself so I could clean, and while cleaning I had some time to reflect on some things I really hadn't given much thought to. I posted my link to this blog on my FB and one of my friends asked if she could share it, and my response was "You can. It was very difficult for me in the beginning to divulge so much information about myself, but it's really been kind of healing for me." After spending some time in thought about my statement, I realized that I had used the word "healing", and I began to reflect on what I must have meant by "healing".

In watching The Biggest Loser, I always get really irritated with Jillian Michaels because she's always saying the people need to find out why they're over eating, and work on resolving those issues. It's always irritated me because why does she think every fat person has "issues", why can't it just be they eat because they love to eat? This is what my problem is, right? At least that's what I have always thought....till I realized I used the word "healing". So what did I need healing from???? I reflected on the fact that I shared early on that my weight has always been an issue, however the years where I put on the majority of my weight were very painful years, those years following my mother's passing and yes, I was very depressed through those years. I moved past those years, right? Then I remembered that although I had actually pretty much been able to maintain my weight for many years, I had also gone through a relapse of my depression, so much so that I was having thoughts of suicide. I was sure I would never actually do it, but I was uncomfortable enough that after Keith threatened to have me committed if I didn't get help; I went the doctor and was put on medication for it. I did get better and was better for many years.

Then several years ago, we had some issues come up in our family, and my depression was rearing it's ugly head again, and two years ago my doctor added another medication in addition to what I was taking. It was during that time that I started to gain weight and my weight gain got out of control. It wasn't because of the depression though, it was the medicine,.......I had a hysterectomy and it was for sure going to get better, but it didn't, it got worse, I continued gaining weight. STILL though, I just loved to eat, it had nothing to do with my depression, right????? WELL........MAYBE NOT!!! WHAT???? MAYBE NOT???? It occurred to me as I was reflecting yesterday that I absolutely had underlying issues that had only been covered up by medication........DO WHAT????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Yes, I realized I had ISSUES!!!!

The good news is that today, just nine months after my surgery, I have come off one of my medications completely and have cut the other in half, and am looking forward to coming off of it by the end of Winter. So yes Jillian, I realized that I did have issues that were sabotaging my efforts to lose weight and yes, I was eating myself to death because food was the one friend I had that gave me instant gratification. Unfortunately the long term results of that friendship were not healthy because the food controlled me, today I am learning with each passing day how to control the food!

Friday, January 14th, 2011

I just realized that it's the middle of January already!!! WOW!!! Time marches on. This has been the most awesome week, Keith went back to work and I have lost......4 lbs.!!! My total loss is 115 lbs now and I'm just 55 lbs from reaching my goal!!! Yes, I am so happy.

I threw up last night for the first time in months.....not exactly sure why, but I had eaten a couple of carrot sticks and then ate some left over meatloaf, and my stomach hurt for about 30 minutes, and then up it came. Not sure if I hadn't chewed the food good, or if the meatloaf on top of the carrots did it, or what. I just know that I was so glad when I finally got rid of it.

I'm still amazed by new found energy level. I got out last night and went to Ulta and was excited that I got three cans of hair spray for less than $8 each. They were buy two, get one free and then I had a gift card for $10, so my cost was less than $8 for a three month supply of hair spray....woo hoo.....I love to save money!!! After Ulta I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and then decided to go see a $1 movie, so Marissa and I went to see "Life As We Know It". Cute movie, and a tear jerker (if you're that kind of person). Just as soon as six months ago when I would get home in the evening, all I wanted to do was sit and watch TV......now I'm ready to go!!!

I've been thinking about my mom a lot through the holidays and then her birthday coming up soon, just makes me wish she were here with me. I miss her so much, she was truly the wisest person I've ever known, and with every pound I lose she's more of an inspiration to me. I can almost hear her cheering me on!

BEFORE/AFTER

WOO HOO!!!! I FINALLY BROKE MY STALL!!!!!

Wow what an awesome day, I finally lost two more pounds this morning!!!! That puts me at 113 lbs total GONE!!!! Just 13 pounds away from ONEDERLAND!!!! Can you tell I'm excited? I was starting to get worried, even though I knew better, I couldn't help it! Not sure exactly what I did to get it going again, but I really don't care as long as it did.

Tonight I made a meatloaf for dinner and Michael and Dianne ended up being the only ones to eat it. I have decided to try just having protein shakes for dinner for a few nights to try to rev things up a little and so did Keith. I'm going to take mine for lunch tomorrow. Keith went back to work today and I am just praying so hard that God will keep a hedge of protection around him and keep him there.....we really need this year to be our "come back" year. The past six years have been really rough for us in many ways, and I would like to think we are due a break, I just pray God agrees with me.....and if not.....then I'm sure we'll deal with it!

NEW YEAR!!!

I'm really lacking in my blogging these days, mostly because there really hasn't been much to tell. My total loss is 111 lbs, which is what it has been since November 7th......no loss in four whole weeks! I am feeling very frustrated on one hand and on the other hand I realize that I did eat more than I should have through the holidays, including sugar, and not to have gained was a wonder in itself. On the other hand, Christmas was almost two weeks ago, and I still haven't lost anything, and I am feeling a bit frustrated. Clearly not much has changed, as I am still as always in the past when I've let go, am struggling to get myself back on track. ANYWAY.....I am ready to see a loss on the scale again and am still hoping that I will be able to pull off 15 lbs before my birthday so I can fall below the 200 lb mark!

Hope everyone had a good New Year's and am praying for all of you in addition to myself that we have a better 2011 than 2010. When I mentioned to Brock though how awful 2010 was, he named all the good things that happened in 2010, and made me realize that I really am blessed even though at times I feel like I am spinning my wheels in the dust! Fortunately for us Keith is returning to work on Monday. I ask that you please pray for him that God will place a hedge of protection over his body so that he will be able to work this year and help us move past some of the dreadful debt we are in. Some days I feel like I am sinking, and have you been to the grocery store lately?????? PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS!!!! Higher gas prices, higher electric, water, cable, groceries, taxes and insurance, already feeling like I'm drowning and on top of that; NO RAISE FOR 2011....THANK YOU PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!! I'm not bitter! :)