July 25, 2012 - Surviving Vacation

I was on vacation last week, and unfortunately stayed home.  I found two things out about myself: 1) I am not ready to retire and stay home and 2) My head definitely still thinks if I am sitting around I must eat.  This was a "rest" vacation and we only did a couple of things, but for the most part stayed home.  I found that when I was sitting at the house resting all I wanted to do was eat.  People think that because you can't eat much after gastric by-pass that you don't eat a lot.  The problem is you can only eat a small amout at one time, however you can still graze and overeat.....thus, sitting around the house makes it easy to graze.  I found myself grazing a lot.  I am trying to get back into the swing of things this week, walking and trying to watch my caloric intake.

I also found that I didn't take my vitamins and medications on regular schedule either.  I usually take my vitamins and meds after I eat my breakfast at work every morning about 8:00 like clock work.  However, while at home sometimes I didn't eat till the afternoon and by that time I forgot to take my meds.....just being off schedule can make a huge difference.  I didn't feel as energetic either, just sitting around and not getting my vitamins.....two years later, they are still important.

I did go to the Q Store in Somerset one day and got three pairs of pants for $6 each and a sweater for $4. I LOVE finding good buys like that!  They are much easier to find in my new size than when I was large. Of course when you need clothes and you can find bargains like that, it makes you feel really good.  One thing I was concerned about was having to buy new clothes and not being able to afford them, but I have been extremely fortunate to find lots of things off the clearance racks.  You sure don't find those kinds of clearance's on the "big girl" racks.

Hard to believe it, but Pauline passed away three weeks ago tomorrow on June 21st.  I had the most awesome pleasure of being there with her as she took her last breath.  Not that I enjoyed watching her pass, but just to be there with someone you love and have that last opportunity to whisper "I love you", just one more time before they slip away into eternity is a blessing.  I missed that with my mom, and actually it was Pauline who was there in that room with me the night my dad passed away as the nurses made us leave the room when he slipped away.  We never really understood why they wouldn't just let us be there with him in that last second, but Pauline always believed we were there when he took his last breath. She might have been right.

Anyway....so now life must go forward.....and I had gained about 7 lbs. during the time she was in the hospital, and so far I have managed to shed two of them.  I have reflected a lot over the past three weeks about the things that took place with me in regard to my body during the couple of months she was in the hospital.  I realized that I had pretty much managed to drink a "real" soft drink (not diet) at least 5-6 times per week while she was in there, find snacks in the machine because I wasn't going to be home early enough to fix dinner, and okay....yes, I am going to come clean and admit this.....I stopped routinely, about 5-7 times per week to pick up an ice cream cone from McDonald's!!! THERE...I SAID IT!!!  Hey.....I was losing my sister, wasn't it okay for me to make myself feel better with ice cream???? I mean everyone knows that ice cream is the "fix all" when your down, right????  Speaking of ice cream, when our family celebrated July 4th on June 30th, I made homemade banana ice cream...yum, yum! Well, I wasn't satisfied to just have one "little" cup of it, I had to have a second "little" cup of it.......and yes.....I got profusely sick!!!  I had to go to the bathroom and throw up, and then I had to stay in the house and lay down for about 45 minutes until I finally started feeling better and could go back out and enjoy the party.......now look at the time I wasted spending with my family for what???? THE LOVE OF ICE CREAM!!!!  Would I do it again? Well, when we went to Tina's on the 4th, and she made chocolate and banana ice cream, Charlie informed me that I would NOT be having ice cream again.  So, I did kind of sneak a little bit of the chocolate....actually Tina gave it to me; and then about an hour later I sneaked (without anyone knowing) a little bit of the banana!  Well hey, I had to compare to see if Tina could make banana ice cream as well as I can, right???  She can :).

Anyway, my point is that there will ALWAYS be an excuse to treat myself, so I really have to decide for myself if it's worth the possibility of  missing a portion of my life, spending time with the people I love, being sick. I must admit...there are times when it really is worth it to me though...I'm just being honest!  That being said however, most of the time the answer would be "no, it's not".  Anyway, my goal this week has been to be more accountable and get myself back on track with counting my protein and calories, and it has paid off and thus, I've lost the two pounds.  I am still (NOW) 25 lbs. from my ultimate goal weight.....and while I am not convinced I will ever make it there, I am still not ready to give up on the dream of it.....so WE WILL SEE!!!  I will try to be more vigilant in posting my blog and hopefully that will help me to stay focused, which was the purpose of my blog to begin with.