What is My Problem?????

  I seem to just eat and eat and eat.......it's like food is all I have been thinking about lately!  I have such a fear of coming this far and gaining all the weight back, and yet I still continue to eat too much!  It's just like always.....proving the head game goes on and on.  I am still way too close to 200 lbs, to let myself rest at all, it wouldn't take much for me to top over that mark, and yet I would be so angry with myself if I did do that!  Today I decided that I would try having a protein shake for breakfast for a few days, and attempt to watch my calories closer and see if I can start the scale moving downward.  I need to be more vigilant....get thee behind me Satan!!!

August 3, 2012

Had my appointment with my primary care doctor today, and he was thrilled with my blood pressure, my breathing and my weight.  I had lost another 3 lbs since I had seen him in February, and he was very pleased with that.  He told me that he doesn't care if I lose another pound, as long as I don't gain now. 

This week has been a decent week, I have manged to maintain my weight this week. I have been working in the yard, and yard work is actually very good exercise.  This morning I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was talking about how we allow things to control us, and how if we say we live in the Holy Spirit, we don't have to be controlled by habits. Example for myself: "Those cookies are calling my name".  Well, she said I don't have to be controlled by those cookies, if I live in the spirit I should be able to ignore the cookies and call on the Holy Spirit to help me.  It sounds like a very simple process, and I agree with her, but why isn't it as as simple as it sounds?  While listening to her message I started to reflect on my thoughts about chocolate, ice cream and just sweets in general, I realized that if I could remember to call on the Spirit every time I get tempted I should be able to lose the last 20 lbs. I want to lose.  Therefore, my challenge and/or goal for myself over the next week is to try to concentrate instead of "subconsciensly" eating, and try to focus more on calling on the Holy Spirit to help me draw the line,and see if I can make any headway in my attempt to lose the last 20 pounds.

July 25, 2012 - Surviving Vacation

I was on vacation last week, and unfortunately stayed home.  I found two things out about myself: 1) I am not ready to retire and stay home and 2) My head definitely still thinks if I am sitting around I must eat.  This was a "rest" vacation and we only did a couple of things, but for the most part stayed home.  I found that when I was sitting at the house resting all I wanted to do was eat.  People think that because you can't eat much after gastric by-pass that you don't eat a lot.  The problem is you can only eat a small amout at one time, however you can still graze and overeat.....thus, sitting around the house makes it easy to graze.  I found myself grazing a lot.  I am trying to get back into the swing of things this week, walking and trying to watch my caloric intake.

I also found that I didn't take my vitamins and medications on regular schedule either.  I usually take my vitamins and meds after I eat my breakfast at work every morning about 8:00 like clock work.  However, while at home sometimes I didn't eat till the afternoon and by that time I forgot to take my meds.....just being off schedule can make a huge difference.  I didn't feel as energetic either, just sitting around and not getting my vitamins.....two years later, they are still important.

I did go to the Q Store in Somerset one day and got three pairs of pants for $6 each and a sweater for $4. I LOVE finding good buys like that!  They are much easier to find in my new size than when I was large. Of course when you need clothes and you can find bargains like that, it makes you feel really good.  One thing I was concerned about was having to buy new clothes and not being able to afford them, but I have been extremely fortunate to find lots of things off the clearance racks.  You sure don't find those kinds of clearance's on the "big girl" racks.

Hard to believe it, but Pauline passed away three weeks ago tomorrow on June 21st.  I had the most awesome pleasure of being there with her as she took her last breath.  Not that I enjoyed watching her pass, but just to be there with someone you love and have that last opportunity to whisper "I love you", just one more time before they slip away into eternity is a blessing.  I missed that with my mom, and actually it was Pauline who was there in that room with me the night my dad passed away as the nurses made us leave the room when he slipped away.  We never really understood why they wouldn't just let us be there with him in that last second, but Pauline always believed we were there when he took his last breath. She might have been right.

Anyway....so now life must go forward.....and I had gained about 7 lbs. during the time she was in the hospital, and so far I have managed to shed two of them.  I have reflected a lot over the past three weeks about the things that took place with me in regard to my body during the couple of months she was in the hospital.  I realized that I had pretty much managed to drink a "real" soft drink (not diet) at least 5-6 times per week while she was in there, find snacks in the machine because I wasn't going to be home early enough to fix dinner, and okay....yes, I am going to come clean and admit this.....I stopped routinely, about 5-7 times per week to pick up an ice cream cone from McDonald's!!! THERE...I SAID IT!!!  Hey.....I was losing my sister, wasn't it okay for me to make myself feel better with ice cream???? I mean everyone knows that ice cream is the "fix all" when your down, right????  Speaking of ice cream, when our family celebrated July 4th on June 30th, I made homemade banana ice cream...yum, yum! Well, I wasn't satisfied to just have one "little" cup of it, I had to have a second "little" cup of it.......and yes.....I got profusely sick!!!  I had to go to the bathroom and throw up, and then I had to stay in the house and lay down for about 45 minutes until I finally started feeling better and could go back out and enjoy the party.......now look at the time I wasted spending with my family for what???? THE LOVE OF ICE CREAM!!!!  Would I do it again? Well, when we went to Tina's on the 4th, and she made chocolate and banana ice cream, Charlie informed me that I would NOT be having ice cream again.  So, I did kind of sneak a little bit of the chocolate....actually Tina gave it to me; and then about an hour later I sneaked (without anyone knowing) a little bit of the banana!  Well hey, I had to compare to see if Tina could make banana ice cream as well as I can, right???  She can :).

Anyway, my point is that there will ALWAYS be an excuse to treat myself, so I really have to decide for myself if it's worth the possibility of  missing a portion of my life, spending time with the people I love, being sick. I must admit...there are times when it really is worth it to me though...I'm just being honest!  That being said however, most of the time the answer would be "no, it's not".  Anyway, my goal this week has been to be more accountable and get myself back on track with counting my protein and calories, and it has paid off and thus, I've lost the two pounds.  I am still (NOW) 25 lbs. from my ultimate goal weight.....and while I am not convinced I will ever make it there, I am still not ready to give up on the dream of it.....so WE WILL SEE!!!  I will try to be more vigilant in posting my blog and hopefully that will help me to stay focused, which was the purpose of my blog to begin with. 

Here is a view of my thinning face.

Wow! I have really fallen on my blog.  Pauline is still in the hospital and is not doing well at all. In fact she has decided she won't have any further medical treatment and is now waiting for a bed in the Hospice Unit.  I think the whole family is struggling with that decision, however we do understand that she is exhausted and the doctor's have told her there really isn't anything else they can do that would change her outcome.  It is breaking my heart to know that I have to let her go.  My parents lost their second child when she was two years old, but none of us except for Patsy even knew her, so we didn't experience her loss. Pauline will be the first loss of a sibling for us, and I can tell you...it is very difficult! One of my biggest fears in life has always been that my older siblings will all pass before me and I will be left alone.  She is just the beginning of that possibility becoming a reality. We have been extremely blessed that we have gone this many years without a loss like this or of any kind really except for our parents.  

That being said, this is a real test of my ability to stay in control of my eating habits while under an unsurmountable amount of stress.  I haven't gained any weight and am holding my own, but I will say that I have fallen to having an occasional candy bar while at the hospital sitting around waiting.....boredom and stress together.....not a good combination.  I have also been drinking an awful lot of soft drinks.  I have tried over the past few days to pull it together and I think I have done fair.  One thing people have been telling me recently is how thin my face has become, and I have to say it has.....I haven't lost anymore weight, so not sure exactly why my face has thinned.  Only explanation I have come up with is, maybe it's because I have been chewing a lot of gum???? 

I will try to do better at posting!  Hopefully I will get through this hump here and get the last 20 lbs. off someday!!!

I haven't posted in over a month because Pauline has been sick and in the hospital, and I have just been too tired to take the time to post.  I have learned some things about myself over the past month though relative to my desire to eat during a crisis.  My nieces and I were talking about how while we've been going to the hospital so much, we have found it so easy to swing by McDonalds and get food, or in my particular case....and ice cream cone!  The soft serve cone at McDonalds is the perfect size for me and it doesn't cause me any problems with dumping, and probably once a week would not be so bad.  However, during the days we were going up there everyday, I found myself swinging through that drive-thru "every day" to pick up an ice cream cone....not good!  I find that the more I allow myself to splurge like that the more I "want" to splurge.  Definitely something to keep watch on and to be careful about.  I have not lost any weight in so long now, I would have to go back through my blog to find out when I did have a lost last; but I still have at least 19 lbs to lose before I want to level off.  Seems I may have already leveled off, but I do think it's most likely due to my own choice if I have.